Elementary, My Dear Watson”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went away on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars.’
“What does that tell you? Asked Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
But what does it tell you? Holmes.”

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. “It’s elementary my dear Watson. It means someone has stolen our tent!”

A Short Long Time
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of the first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him with a perfect deadpan expression and answered - "The rest of your life."

The Magician
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?"

"He saws people in half."   "Gosh! and do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half brother and two half sisters."

Eating Well!
Get something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeaway.

A WOMEN'S AGE
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

YOU TOO?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

IN CHARACTER
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.

CEMENT MIXER
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

NOT A PROBLEM
A woman rushes to see her doctor looking very worried and stressed out.

"Doctor, please take a look at me.

When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and swollen, and I had this death-like look on my face!

What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor examined her for a couple of minutes,

then calmly said, "Well, I can tell you one thing,

 there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight."

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" He announced.

Immediately, nine single ladies, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.